I Choose Me!

Permission Granted...I Choose Me!

Ever since, I knew myself, I always wanted to a part of the team. I wanted to be liked and accepted by my friends and family. I craved approval from my family which I thought would have been easy enough to get, but found it the most difficult. I thought that they would be the ones quickest to love me and accept me totally and completely. However, my life was not that way. I was the poster girl for rejection. I was always the one giving, caring, sharing and putting the blame on me and never getting any returns on my investment.

Hmmmm... I wondered why I did that?

Did I not love myself enough? If my past would talk, it would say out loud...not clearly enough!

I did for most people, what most people would not do for me. I was the friend until the end. I was the one who would be anxious to go all out for them and pick up the tab, by the gifts, and simply show a deep concern about their life problems. But I realized that the more I gave of myself, the more people deeply resented me and only clearly put up with me because maybe I was family and or that they found someone that they could have exploited along the way. 

I know how much my past played into the person that I am, I craved attention but was outrightly denied by those who did not think that I deserved to be celebrated of appeciated. I started selling myself short, accepting and settling for things and people that were not the right fit for my life because I just did not want to feel empty. But it is ironic at the end of day, after all my giving to everyone else I was depleted and empty because no-one was giving back to me.

I had friends only in name, very few, who knew what it meant to be a good friend. I had family members that could never share in or celebrate my successes. Half of the time, my own family could not tell anyone whether, I was living or dead if I did not keep the connection with them alive. I was always the one giving, doing, praying, standing up but there was no-one standing up for me or beside me.

We don't live in a perfect world and we don't get to choose our family but we do get to choose how much we give to people in our lives. And we certainly give people who really should not matter to much power concerning us.

I have been rediscovering myself and learning how to appreciate who I am. I have had so many complaints from everyone else nitpicking and telling me how I'm too strong, too opinionated, too real, but never words that speak  or celebrate the goodness in me or those things which were good about me. It makes you wonder if there is anything good in me.

The voices of denial and rejection often replayed sequences of events of my life and ultimately overwhelmed me until I became ashamed of the person that I was.

At the end of the day, I imprisoned myself and locked myself out from the world and from those who would bombard me with the negative display of what was wrong with me now...

Then one day, I decided that I had enough. I decided I was enough. I am who I am, not perfect but a beautiful person inside and out. I am Becoming...

 I began to speak to my broken self and started a journey of self-discovery and healing. All the wounds of hurt, pain and rejection, I confronted and made a decision to let go. In my journey, I found out that there were some people in my life that loved me for me. There were people who accepted me for who I was and would encourage me to become a better version of myself but not to lose my authenticity. However, I allowed those people that did not matter or who were reminding me of my past, failures or just was there to distract and hinder me to be the dominant factor in my life. Like they say here at home, I caught sense and saw the light!

Could I tell you, that I almost lost myself to depression and to suicide, but I overcame the negative voices that were intended to bring me down and suffocate the life out of me. I found out that I was not living for me but living for everyone else. I was trying to please everyone else so much I lost myself in the process.


I could understand, how Sarah Jakes felt as I am a close follower of her blog and her writings which were and are very much apart of my healing process. She wrote these words from a blog post entitled, 'Dear Lost Me" , which spoke to the core of me and I just had to share with you,

"Watch out for “they” because they’ll always have something negative to say. They won’t always understand why you have to be so “much.” They will tell you it’s because you think you’re better than they are. They’re going to form a group and exclude you from it. You won’t understand it and it will make you pick yourself apart. Don’t. It’s not your sense of humor, your choice in music, your beliefs, or your struggles. Just be glad that you were brave enough to show your truth and have peace that it wasn’t meant to be understood by them. You only want people in your life who understand being connected to you adds “much” to them. You’ll feel like an outcast, but it’s okay. Great people are never fully understood just admired."


I found my wings and I began to soar with this revelation, that it is okay to not be accepted but also, I don't have to always choose others over me or let 'they" speak louder than" I".  I don't have to always try to explain myself to those, who really could not be concerned about me and only sees me as a threat, competition or plainly just could not find any reason to dislike me, but they just don't. So, I gave myself the permission to love me, to accept me, to celebrate me, to choose me.

This is what I am learning and I have learned on my journey of self-discovery and growth. I don't need to be chosen by anyone else, in fact, I don't need to seek opinions or approvals, I am confident in making my life decisions on my own and knowing that God knows me best and it is my relationship with Him that has sustained me through my journey. I am confident enough to say today, I Choose Me! 



Unveiled to Be Transformed


Keisha